The difference between coaching and friendship

"I don't need a coach - I've got friends to talk to!"

In truth, the relationship you develop with a coach, if they are a good one, will be very different to your friendships. Think back to the last time you had a good moan at a friend about a problem you were having trouble with. Several things might have happened.

• Your friend might have listened eagerly, cutting in from time to time with comments like, "Remember the time that happened to me? Well, I ended up doing xyz...". Before you know it, you'll be talking about her issues instead.
• Or, "What you ought to be doing is xyz...". Great - that might work for someone else but it doesn't take into account who you are and what your life is like.And if you don't come up with the idea yourself, the chances are you won't find the commitment to carry it out.
  
• Or maybe, if your friend is male and very solution focused, he'll just try and fix the problem for you and will get annoyed when you still want to talk about it.

Friendships are about give and take. You share your issues, she shares hers. That's nice (we all need friends) but sometimes it doesn't really help you to move forward in the most efficient way possible.

That's where coaching is different. A coach has been trained in effective listening techniques. They will not make it about their stuff or what has worked for them. Coaching is certainly a partnership but it is based on the understanding that the client knows what is best for them and the role of the coach is to help them access their own wisdom, rather than letting the coach tell them what to do. Instead the coach will ask a series of questions that will help the client clarify their options, intentions and wishes.

A good coach will often challenge you to push you out of your comfort zone, but he or she will do it respectfully, asking permission along the way. There should be no uncomfortable judgement or blaming. Nor will they let you get caught up in the drama of your situation. It's great to have a moan and a good coach will make you feel heard and understood, but the emphasis will be on finding a way forward, not on wallowing in the problem. At the same time, you are in charge, and if there are places you don't want to go in coaching and issues you choose not to tackle, then your coach will accept that.

Action plan!

The International Coach Federation (coaching's industry body - I'm a member!) recently published some research on people who get coaching, their opinions and motivation.

The research showed that a key differentiator for coaching is that it is seen as an 'action plan' rather than an exploration of 'issues', in contrast to therapy. It's all about moving forward rather than looking back.

Motivations for seeking coaching were many included self confidence, work life balance, career opportunities, business management issues, relationships and communication skills.

The study found that the vast majority of clients were satisfied with their coaching experience. Nearly 96% said they would consider coaching again in similar circumstances.

Success

Even during the credit crunch, it can be all too easy to think of success in terms of large salaries and bonuses, a big house, a flash car, lotsa bling and all the holidays you want. And indeed, that all sounds very nice (I wouldn't say no), but nevertheless some people can achieve all that and still not feel happy.

Perhaps, just perhaps, that's because success might mean something different to them. But how often do we stop and think about what success really means to us, instead of just following the pack?

When clients come to me to work on becoming more successful, here are some of the questions I might ask them to think about:

• When have you felt successful in the past? List a few occasions and then see if they have anything in common.
• What would make you more successful in your eyes?
• If there was just one thing you needed to achieve or have to view yourself as a success, what would it be?
• What might you need to let go of in your current life to become more successful?
• What are you afraid might happen if you were successful?
• If you were successful, would you feel that you were being true to yourself? What does that tell you?

There are plenty more questions to ask, but in each case, see if your immediate gut response is the same as your more considered answer. With both types of answer, who is speaking? Is it you or can you hear messages you heard from your parents, or your partner or your friends? Remember, success is only really meaningful if it's on your own terms.